


Dipping

by Humansunshine



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Depression, Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-25
Updated: 2018-06-25
Packaged: 2019-05-28 09:43:48
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 584
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15046229
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Humansunshine/pseuds/Humansunshine
Summary: The high of being with Alec kept Magnus from dipping for a long time. At least, eight months felt like a long time. Eight months without wanting to drop dead was eternity, in Magnus’ experience. It was wonderful. And yet, of course, something had to give eventually.





	Dipping

**Author's Note:**

> Just a little something I wrote just now because I felt myself 'dipping' and my partner always makes me feel better.
> 
> Trigger warnings:
> 
> Vague references to suicidal thoughts  
> References to feelings of guilt and self-hatred

The high of being with Alec kept Magnus from dipping for a long time. At least, eight months felt like a long time. Eight months without wanting to drop dead was eternity, in Magnus’ experience. It was wonderful. And yet, of course, something had to give eventually. 

He felt it creeping up on him little by little. He’d lived with depression a long time, longer than depression had been a word. He knew what the slow choke of it felt like, by now. There was a twinge, on a date night in Cairo, when Alec got up to use the bathroom, and Magnus found himself staring down into his drink remembering when he’d made a naive lover in Barbados cry. He lost himself in the memory and the guilt two hundred years old, and when Alec came back with soft words and a furrowed brow, Magnus shook himself out of it and continued his story about Catarina trying to convince a soothsayer that she was a reincarnation of Cleopatra. His heart felt a little… Off.

“Alexander,” he blurted out a few days later, lying in the dark after they’d turned out the lights. “I don’t think I’m going to be myself for the next week or so.” 

He heard Alec turn over, felt the warmth of his body as he shifted a little closer, his toes scrunching against Magnus’ ankle. “What do you mean?” 

“Sometimes I get low. And… I think I’m dipping again. It’s no big deal, I’ll be fine. It’s just something I have to ride out every now and then.” He explained, grateful that Alec hadn’t moved to turn on the lights. As much as he’d gotten better at being forthright, he still felt more comfortable having these conversations when he couldn’t see Alec’s worry. 

“You mean like depression?” Alec asked, his fingers tentatively stroking Magnus’ wrist.

Magnus hummed in response, and Alec was quiet for a moment. 

“Do you want me here or do you want to be alone?” 

“I’m not fun when I’m in one of these episodes,” Magnus told him, chewing the inside of his cheek. “It’s not pretty.”

“That’s not what I asked, Magnus,” Alec pressed. “I asked if you wanted me here.” 

Magnus thought about it for a moment. “I don’t want you to see me weak.” 

“Magnus,” Alec huffed, shifting even closer, close enough that Magnus could feel the tip of Alec’s nose pressing into his cheek and his forehead pressing into his temple. “You’ve survived hundreds of years of these episodes. That is not weakness. You’re the strongest person I know. And if it would make you feel better, I want to be here for you, like you’re always here for me. You didn’t leave my side for a second when I was sick. Of course I wanna be here for you, too.”

“If you’re really okay with me being useless,” Magnus said quietly, turning over and curling his fingers into Alec’s shirt, “then… I’d like you to stay. At least at night, I know you’re busy.”

“I can take a couple of days off,” Alec assured him, winding his fingers through Magnus’ hair. “I love you.” 

Magnus felt his throat get thick, gratitude and relief almost overwhelming, and he tamped down on the feeling that he didn’t deserve it. Alec wanted to be here. Alec loved him. He was lucky. 

“Okay.” Magnus swallowed hard, tangling his legs with Alec’s. “Thank you.” 

Alec kissed his forehead, and held him close until he fell asleep.


End file.
